An End to Invalidation

Even though I’ve healed anxiety, I’m still learning and growing. I wrote Bold Trust to share the lessons I learned as I was healing, and I’ve noticed that I continue to circle back periodically through the different lessons about self-trust outlined in the book. It feels like I’m moving deeper into each aspect of self-trust as I keep peeling back the layers of dysfunction that originally destroyed my self-trust.

Rejecting Invalidation

Recently, I’ve decided that I’m completely done being invalidated. Simply recognizing when I’m being invalidated is no longer enough and I’ve decided that all invalidation needs to come to an end. I can’t control if people want to try to invalidate me, but I can remove and separate myself from these people and environments for the sake of my mental health.

I’ve experienced invalidation for most of my life, and maybe you have too. Many people and institutions have negated my feelings and experiences. I’ve written about invalidation in my book and how it relates to narcissism, but here I want to focus on the differences and similarities between invalidation and gaslighting, why it’s important to end invalidation, and how to rewrite your script after a lifetime of invalidation.

Some of my extended family members have invalidated me and continue to try to invalidate me. They invalidate me in just about every aspect of my life—my parenting, my writing, and my other creative outlets. They disapprove of my healing and growth, and they want to subjugate me so that I stay small. Invalidation is the method they’ve used to attempt to control me. Thankfully their invalidations don’t work anymore, and they’ve lost their hold on me.

Invalidation and Gaslighting

While there are a lot of similarities between gaslighting and invalidation, they are not the same. All gaslighting is invalidation, but not all invalidation is gaslighting. Invalidation is the larger category, with gaslighting as a subset. You’re being invalidated when your feelings or experiences are dismissed, discredited, or negated. Some people may unintentionally invalidate you (still wrong!). However, invalidation becomes gaslighting when it’s done intentionally to manipulate and disrupt self-trust.

For example, you tell your friend about how you’re upset about a rude email you received from someone. Your friend invalidates you by saying it’s not a big deal, get over it, and cheer up. In this scenario, your friend is dismissing your feelings and experience because they are being selfish, and they don’t want to be bothered by your problems. Your discomfort makes them uncomfortable even though it has nothing to do with them. They may also think they’re helping you by encouraging you to be positive. (The whole “think positive,” “chill out,” and “get over it” culture is very toxic.)  

However, invalidation becomes gaslighting when your friend tells you that you’re imagining it, that they’re sure it didn’t happen that way, and that you’re always reading too much into things. This response is highly critical and creates self-doubt. Your friend weaponizes your experience as an opportunity to destabilize your self-trust in order to control and manipulate you.

Long-Term Effects of Invalidation

Invalidation, whether the intention is malevolent or not, can significantly harm your mental health. People who invalidate are trying to keep you small, suggesting that you aren’t important. There are toxic people who need to diminish you so that you aren’t a threat to them. And so often when you’re committed to healing yourself, these people feel a need to invalidate you because they’re choosing to not heal themselves. As you are healing, you’re ascending emotionally, spiritually, and physically while they’re choosing to remain where they are. Even worse, some people are determined to hold you down with them.

“Invalidating you and your experiences in addition to deeply entrenched patterns of gaslighting shatters your self-trust.” – from my book, Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety

It’s been my experience that people who invalidate won’t help you when you’re experiencing anxiety. Most likely, they’re contributing to your anxiety. But when you choose to focus on yourself and heal anxiety, they use invalidation to try to impede your healing.

When you’ve been habitually invalidated, your self-worth takes a hit. If you’re not astute about invalidation or gaslighting, you’re more susceptible to internalizing it. You may start to question the validity of your feelings and experiences. You may question your inner voice, your truth.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, an author and speaker about narcissism and other toxic personalities, says that invalidation leads to self-censorship. Since invalidation creates so much self-doubt and confusion, you start to hide yourself from others. If you’ve lost trust in your own feelings and reality, hiding feels safe. However, hiding is a disservice to you and the world because the world needs you and your unique gifts, and you deserve to live authentically. Dr. Ramani also shares that invalidation promotes conformity instead of individuality. As invalidation shames you for your feelings, safety feels like bending and contorting yourself to conform.  

Ending Invalidation

Understanding invalidation in general and how it undermines you for who you are gives clarity about any invalidation you’ve been the target of. To find your self-worth, your own voice, and your truth, it’s imperative that you put an end to invalidation. Below are three things you can do to end invalidation.

Distance Yourself

Emotionally, spiritually, and physically remove invalidating people and situations from your life, especially those who use invalidation as a form of gaslighting. Since invalidating remarks can infiltrate your own thoughts and feelings, you must put as much distance as possible between you and the offender. If circumstances necessitate that you must interact with these people, you can still get up and leave, end a phone conversation, or even block someone if they begin to invalidate you. Furthermore, don’t share any personal information with them since they will weaponize it and use it against you.

Instead, surround yourself with people who validate you, whether that’s a close friend, family member, or counselor. Find people who are kind and have empathy for you and the world. Healing anxiety requires you to be selective about who you allow into your life. I promise you will start to know your self-worth and see your anxiety improve when you surround yourself with people who validate and appreciate you rather than people who invalidate you.

Observe Your Self-Talk

Pay attention to your inner dialog. When I first learned about invalidation and started to see who was invalidating me, I also saw how I was invalidating myself. I was internalizing all the invalidating messages I heard (or absorbed, as some invalidation is silent). I used to downplay everything about myself, and I still catch myself doing it sometimes. Observing your thoughts about yourself can give you clues about where some of these self-beliefs come from. It also helps you to dismantle these beliefs about yourself, so that you can rewrite them.

Celebrate Everything!

If all your feelings, experiences, progress, and accomplishments have been invalidated, start celebrating everything. This may seem over the top, but you need to celebrate EVERYTHING about yourself if you’ve been invalidated. Not only do you deserve to be celebrated, but you need to rewrite any narratives that say you’re not important. Do something special for yourself on your birthday and holidays, something just for you. Celebrate finishing a challenging project. Celebrate every time you’re brave. Even if you are celebrating yourself alone by yourself, still do it.

It takes time to undo the effects of invalidation, but done consistently you’ll stop second guessing yourself and your self-worth, self-trust, and truth will lead the way. You deserve to be validated for who you are because there’s so much goodness in you. It’s time for you to be appreciated for both your inner and outer beauty, for who you are. Invalidation needs to end today. You’re too valuable to this world to be treated otherwise.

My book Bold Trust – 6 Steps to Unravel the Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, Unapologetically Trust Yourself, and Heal Anxiety is now available for purchase here.