Open Hearts, Open Minds

Heal Anxiety with Boundaries Instead of Walls

“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” – Rumi

I love this quote from Rumi. Our wounds are the cracks in the armor around our hearts. Light is the energy that heals. Those of us who have dealt with mental health issues have giant gaping wounds that can only be healed by letting light stream onto them.

I struggled with debilitating anxiety for 20 years and discovered that I had to open my heart to heal anxiety even though as a child my openness paved the way for my anxiety. Allowing light to shine on my wounds removed the barriers I had placed around my heart. I had to crack open my inner most self so that I could live my life authentically and heal anxiety.

As a young child I was wide open. Like many children, I trusted most adults - at home, school, and church. I also trusted their views of the world and of me. I believed the world was a scary place. I believed that I was never enough. I believed I was always the problem. I believed that the happiness of other adults in my life was my responsibility. This all culminated into a disabling people-pleasing pattern that caused me to lose my true north. I learned to derive my worth from others.

Children are completely open and vulnerable. Some of the wounds we sustained as children went so deep that we erected permanent steel walls around us for protection. Most adults are closed off to some extent and for good reason - these deep wounds hurt. Many of us have had rough and chaotic childhoods where the walls we put around our hearts served us well. Those barriers were the only way we survived. However, if you’re reading this and are struggling with mental health, it’s time for the walls to come down. 

As adults these walls no longer serve us. They end up blocking everything, including the good. The walls also block your light. The difference between an armored heart and an open heart is like living your life in black and white instead of full color. Living your life in black and white creates and feeds anxiety. When we’re young our pain is confusing, so putting up walls is a natural response to feel more in control. However, as adults we now have more experience and knowledge and can make conscious choices about how we will protect ourselves.

To heal my anxiety, I learned to install fierce boundaries instead of walls. Walls are created from fear and anger.  Boundaries originate from love, specifically love for yourself. Boundaries protect our sovereignty and our mental wellness. They preserve our time, resources, and our health. I was surprised to learn that the boundaries I created out of self-love were much stronger and more effective than the walls I had put up in my attempts to protect myself.

Walls block the outside world, pushing away people and opportunities whereas boundaries draw a line in the sand allowing us to use discernment to choose who and what we engage with and on what terms. Walls throw us into a vault, boxing ourselves in and hiding our true selves out of fear of persecution or ridicule. Boundaries are more solid and stable than walls because they are permeable and flexible. They will not crumble and crash like walls.

An example of a wall is when you decide you will never go to another party after a bad experience at a recent one. However, instead you could create a boundary that is a set of parameters you adopt to ensure you’re comfortable and your needs are met at the subsequent parties you attend. Your boundaries may include only going to parties for your close friends and family, staying at a party for just one hour, and/or only choosing to go to parties where alcohol isn’t served. Choosing to stay at a party for one hour respects your need for alone time as well as gives you time to decompress afterwards. Choosing alcohol-free parties meets your physical and emotional safety needs. Only going to parties for close friends and family fills your need for personal and enriching connections. The difference is you haven’t completely shut out parties, only parties that make you feel unsafe, drained, or unsupported. You get to choose to attend the parties that sound fun and fulfilling and decline the ones that make you uneasy.  

You’re erecting walls when you start with “I’m afraid of …” or “I’m worried about ...” instead of “I need …” or “I want …” Going back to the party example, never going to another party because you’re worried about having no one to talk to or you’re afraid of getting hit on by a drunk guy are legitimate concerns. But putting up a wall prevents you from experiencing some fun and intimate gatherings with potential insightful and meaningful engagements. A wall is saying “no.” A boundary is saying “yes, but” or “yes, under these conditions.”

When I started creating boundaries, they made it safe for me to say “no” to others and start saying “yes” to myself. My boundaries eliminated many toxic and drama fueled relationships in my life. They provide a framework for me to be strongly selective about whom I allow to come into my inner circle. I no longer invest my time or energy in relationships that drain me. And for those unsupportive people with whom I have continued relationships, I instilled boundaries that protect me. My boundaries give me the space to identify my own needs, communicate them, and make sure my needs are met. My boundaries make it safe for me to be open and vulnerable again.

Openness is required for healing. Wounds that are kept in the dark fester and get infected, while those that exposed to sunlight heal. Openness also has many more benefits. It allows us to see things from a different perspective. It helps us to become solidified in our own truth, while listening to and respecting the truth of others. Openness allows us to receive guidance and help from a higher power and other people. Openness helps us see anxiety and mental health in a new light. When we are open, we allow our true selves freedom of expression.  

Openness removes the veil from our eyes and lets us see things as they truly are. We can see that we are sensitive souls living in a dysfunctional world where the best way forward is to live with open hearts, open minds, and boundaries that come from a place of self-love. Being open and vulnerable is not a weakness. Instead, it takes guts and inner strength.  It’s time to open our hearts and minds, to live authentically, and embrace our true selves.

Even though I find beauty and comfort in the quote above from Rumi, I want to clarify that the light we need for healing actually comes from within us. Our job is to crack open our armor, let down the walls and instead use boundaries so that the light we all carry can heal our own wounds. Are you ready to crack open and shine your light?