How to Thrive in Our World When You Have Anxiety
In my recent podcast, I briefly mentioned how it’s important for people with anxiety to make the world work for them instead of bending themselves to adapt to the world. Because I only touched on this topic in the podcast, I want to dive deeper into it really means to thrive in a sometimes dysfunctional world. Thriving in our world doesn’t require you to change who you are. Thriving in our world requires you to be unapologetically yourself.
The Dysfunctional Aspects of Our World
I love our world, and I love being alive in it. Yet I’m also fully aware that there are parts of our world that are flawed. Below is an excerpt from my book Bold Trust that paints an accurate picture of the day-to-day dysfunctional aspects of our world.
“…the debilitating pace of life; narcissistic, self-centered, and profit driven people; consumerism; the continuous gaslighting, denial, and invalidation from others; superficial ideals and lifestyles detached from nature, wildlife, the seasons, and the planet; lost connections with your breath, soul, body, and mind; detachment from your food, your needs, your wants, and your dreams; a society where the norm is to have frazzled and frayed nervous systems; and severe sleep deprivation.”
When you’re busy, distracted, and ungrounded it’s easy to get caught up in the dysfunction. These broken parts of the world have become normalized to the point that people forget they’re not “normal.” Although most of our society (and the world) participates in these dysfunctional aspects, they’re not good for you.
It’s Not You
In Bold Trust, I talk about how people who have anxiety are like the canaries in the coal mines. The miners were unharmed when exposed to small amounts of methane and carbon monoxide. However, these small amounts of toxins were fatal to the canaries, so they were used as an early warning system so that the miners could get out before the levels of the toxins reached levels dangerous to humans. Likewise, people who have anxiety are the canaries in the coal mines, detecting dysfunction of this world that other people may not notice, providing the early warning system. You’re just picking up on things that go unnoticed by others.
Anxiety is your body’s way of alerting you to the dysfunction. The shame, stigma, and insensitivity that accompanies anxiety cause people to blame themselves for their anxiety. Just as a thermometer isn’t at fault for the temperature, it’s not your fault for having anxiety. You are simply reflecting the dysfunction of the world you live in.
Once you fully understand that anxiety is not your fault, you do have a responsibility to vigilantly care for yourself so that you can heal. Rather than bending yourself to adapt to the dysfunctional parts of our world, you can make the world work for you by understanding each and every one of your needs.
Bending
Anytime you change and adapt yourself to match other people, places, and situations and their expectations of you, you have to bend or change yourself. This is the crux of my definition of anxiety: the unconscious and continual gaslighting of yourself in order to accommodate others.
Blaming and shaming yourself for anxiety leaves you believing that you need to bend and contort yourself to adjust to a sometimes dysfunctional world. You are bending yourself when making decisions on what you feel you “should” do or when you are enduring events, people, or places.
“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” – Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection.
You bend to the world’s flaws when you try to fit in and feel accepted. However, you belong in the world, or rather the world belongs to you, when you unapologetically accept yourself without changing who you are at your core.
Thriving in Our World
To thrive amidst the dysfunctional aspects of the world instead of becoming part of the dysfunction, you must reclaim your power and choose how you want to move through this world. You can begin by making choices based on your needs and wants instead of being influenced by the norms and expectations of others. You must choose yourself each and every time.
Below are six ways to thrive in our sometimes dysfunctional world.
6 Ways to Thrive in Our World
1. Check In with Yourself
When there is a situation or person you’re having a difficult time with, take a step back to get a big picture of the issue. Try to identify what exactly you’re struggling with. Does this situation make you feel stuck or hopeless? Is it causing you anxiety or an unusual amount of stress? What part of it isn’t working for you? What exactly makes you feel uncomfortable? Checking in with yourself regularly helps you take a pause and assess the situation with a fresh perspective. It also helps you to understand that you’re not the problem.
2. Clarify What You Need and Want
Once you know what isn’t working, take some time to clarify what you need and want from this person or situation. What do you need to feel safe and comfortable? Is there a goal you’re trying to attain? Is there something you’re working on?
3. Explore Other Options
Anxiety can flare when you feel stuck or trapped, feeling that you have to go with the traditional path. YOU DON’T. Yes, the well traveled traditional paths work well for some people, but not everyone. There is always another way to meet your needs and wants. ALWAYS. Explore your options. Think outside the box. Get creative and see how many options there are.
4. Be Intentional with Your Choices
Once you’ve explored your options, make intentional choices that support your needs. Make choices that strengthen you even if it’s not considered normal. Choose people, places, events, and situations where you feel emotionally, physically, and spiritually comfortable and safe and reject those where you do not. Wisely make choices that empower you.
5. Diligently Advocate for Yourself
Now that you understand what’s not working for you and what you need to move forward, diligently advocate for yourself. Repeatedly do this until you are heard and able to take care of your needs. Anxiety will loosen its grip on you when you consciously and continually show up for yourself. Your nervous system can relax and repair when it knows without a doubt that you have your own back. With almost every other illness, it’s rightfully recognized that certain accommodations are needed. But I don’t see this same consideration given to people who have anxiety. This is why you must advocate for yourself in EVERY aspect of your life.
6. Welcome Angelic Support
I know I always say to welcome in angelic support, but it really does help. The angels see things that you may miss. Sometimes, when you’re having trouble in a situation, it’s because they’re trying to tell you to find other options. The angels can also help you navigate the best options to thrive in the world.
A Retirement Ceremony
Five years ago, my husband retired from the Air Force. While I had some great experiences, being in a military family was very hard on me. With deployments and moving every two to three years, I was emotionally and physically exhausted by the end of his 22 years of service.
I also had debilitating anxiety, which made some things that were simple for others unbearably hard for me. One of these things was attending military events and ceremonies, especially as my husband moved up in rank.
As my husband was planning his retirement ceremony, I quite honestly didn’t know how I was going to make it through the ceremony without feeling anxiety. As we were getting ready to separate from the military, I was able to step back and see how the intense energy of different military environments and our military lifestyle were affecting me.
It wasn’t me. It was the energy around me. I longed for roots, both metaphorically and literally, as an avid gardener. I craved a permanent home that I could settle in. I prefer my hands in the earth, covered in dirt, rather than sitting through formal functions making small talk.
To feel comfortable for my husband’s retirement ceremony, I told him what I needed. I wanted the ceremony to be very small, quick, and in a simple setting. I also wanted him to sit next to me and our kids in the front row during the ceremony, instead of with him up front and the kids and I in the first row. This way I could hold his hand for support when I needed it.
I also welcomed support from the angels.
My husband’s retirement ceremony was sweet and simple, and I felt pretty good during it. He was able to reserve the base chapel for the ceremony which felt much better than some of the other more grandiose options. And my husband sat in the front row with me and our kids, holding my hand as we supported each other as we were about to start this second phase of our lives.
Your Time to Thrive
Advocate for yourself consciously and continually, even if your needs are inconvenient for others. No longer make yourself small or suppress your needs to accommodate others. It’s OK to stop participating in things that don’t work for you. You need to vigilantly take care of your needs the way a protective parent or caregiver protects their child.
Yes, our world is flawed. But every time you show up for yourself, you’re dismantling dysfunction with authenticity and integrity. You’re spreading your light into the deepest, darkest corners of the world. Freeing yourself from anxiety demands that you live boldly in the world instead of the world living inside of you.
This is your time to thrive!
